The Kid

This day started out innocently enough.  A regular day at work.  At the time I was working for the Miami-Dade County computer department.  It had various acronyms over the years as the department name changed quite regularly.  Computer departments love acronyms.  It makes them sound important.  On this particular day one of the department’s staff was leaving and there was a planned going away party.  We always liked it when someone left as it was an excuse to have an even longer lunch than usual.  I don’t think I knew her that well.  That never mattered when a long lunch was involved.

I drove my car to the luncheon and chauffeured two fellow employees, Mike and Alvin.  Now Mike was a normal sort but Alvin was a bit odd.  While Mike was properly groomed and could pass for an office worker Alvin looked more like the unabomber.  Alvin had almost shoulder length red hair and a full curly red beard.  He wore blue jeans with holes, one red sock, and one green sock for port and starboard.  He was a member of Mensa and a true computer genius.

We arrived at the restaurant called Dalt’s, maneuvered through the front revolving door and proceeded to a long group of tables that had been set up near the front facing window.  We ordered cocktails and placed our order for food.  The food arrived and more cocktails were ordered.  While Alvin was the more colorful of my two traveling companions, it was Mike who had the problem.  It seems that Mike wasn’t good at holding his liquor.  In his defense I have to admit that the joint we shared on our way to Dalt’s may have also been a factor in what was about to happen.

Typical Dalt's Restaurant

At this point in the story Mike decided it was time to visit the rest room.  He attempted to stand up, got dizzy and began a backwards on his heels stumble across the room.  He made it as far as the first row of tables behind where we were sitting.  The surprised customers watched as Mike proceeded to fall backward on to the nearest table full of food.  Mike, food, plates and silverware went flying and then crashed to the floor.  The Three Stooges couldn’t have done better.

Realizing what had just happened, Alvin and I attempted to rescue Mike.  We got him to his feet with lots of support.  We ushered him toward the front door.  This part is a bit fuzzy in my memory because to this day I’m not sure how we accomplished this next feat.  We got Mike out through the front revolving door when he couldn’t stand on his own and each door compartment only held one person.

Once outside Mike informed us that he still needed to pee.  We told him we weren’t going to back through that door so Mike did what drunks have been doing for years, he took matters into his own hands.  He spun sideways, leaned on the front restaurant glass window, pulled down his fly and began to relieve himself.  This was much to the dismay of the people in the restaurant who opted for the window seating.

It was unanimous; Mike couldn’t go back to the office.  Alvin informed me that he knew where Mike lived and suggested that we take him home.  I followed Alvin’s directions and we arrived at Mike’s house.  Mike was now asleep in the front passenger seat of my car.  We checked him for house keys and found none.  Had we searched the rear seat where Mike had been sitting on the ride to the restaurant, we would have found his keys clipped to the hanging seat belt.  That however would have ruined a good story.

We decided to break in to the house.  I went to my trunk and got a large screwdriver.  We went to the front porch and found a double hung window with a visible latch.  I worked the screwdriver behind the window frame and flipped the window lock.  I raised the window and proceeded to step through.  I had one foot on the inside floor when Alvin tapped me on the shoulder and said, “This is the wrong house.”

In less time than it takes to yell, “You dumb bastard”, I was in reverse backing out of the driveway.  I was at least sixty feet from the house when the word “bastard” was heard by Alvin.  This next part I will have to blame on the alcohol because no one in their right mind would have bought Alvin’s next line.  He said that we just turned in too early and now he remembers where Mike really lived.

I followed the new directions and drove several blocks away from the last scene of horror.  We pulled into the driveway of a house that I had to admit looked similar to the last one.  Being extra cautious this time I had Alvin describe the backyard.  He mentioned a pool and screened in patio.  While that description is basically a 50-50 proposition in Miami it was reassuring when we arrived to find a pool and screened patio at the back of the house.

We easily entered the screen enclosure and proceeded to the window that led from the kitchen to the patio.  By now I am a B&E pro and the window did not stand a chance against my large screwdriver.  I crawled through the window only to hear Alvin say, “If this is Mike’s place he has a dog.”  What came into the kitchen next was not a dog but a small horse that had lost his rider.  I’m not sure of the breed but it put both paws on the kitchen counter and looked me in the eye.  I was still sitting in the kitchen sink at the time.

Luckily I’m generally good with dogs and this one was a sweetheart.  A couple of pats on the head and we were friends.  I found some envelopes on the counter and read Mike’s name on the front.  I can now relax; we are in the right house.  I told Alvin to go check on Mike and that I would walk through the house and open up the front door.

I pulled open the door and was now looking down the barrel of a very large revolver.  The man holding the gun yelled, “Freeze and drop your weapon.”  I guess the large screwdriver was the weapon to which he was referring but as weapons go I would rather have his revolver.  I dropped the screwdriver about 30 feet from where I was standing in the doorway.  The police officer ordered me outside the house.  I calmly explained that this was Mike’s house as I gestured to the sleeping passenger in my car.  I was wearing a shirt and tie and Mike, drunk as he was, also had on a shirt and tie.  The police officers had started to relax when Alvin, looking like Redbeard the Pirate, walked on to the scene from behind the house.

The two officers then had us, just like in the movies, place our hands on the hood of the car as they checked our ID’s.  They ignored Mike as it was obvious he wasn’t a threat.  By this time the neighborhood had come alive with onlookers.  While the adults stayed off in the background the neighborhood kids came in for a good close look at the action.

Then a second patrol car showed up, this time with a male and a female officer.  The male officer from the second car began to take over.  He got our story.  He then pointed at one of the kids standing nearby and asked while pointing to Mike, “Do you recognize him?”  The kid looked carefully and then said, “Nope.”

The female officer from the second car then entered the driver’s side of my car and leaned toward Mike.  She shoved what looked like two broken ammonia capsules under his nose.  Mike jerked awake like he had been electrocuted.  He then belted the female cop right between the eyes.  The female officer flew out the open car door and fell backward onto the grass.  Nightsticks were drawn and just before batting practice could begin I heard a bullhorn voice basically telling everyone to stand down.  We had been saved by the arrival of the shift commander.

The newest arrival quickly got our stories and the summation from the officers.  The shift commander then asked one of the neighbor kids, “Do you know the guy in the front seat?”  The kid said, “Yeah, that’s Mike, he lives here.”  The first officer who had asked the same question could have exploded.  He found the kid he had asked and yelled, “I thought you said you didn’t recognize him.”  The kid said, “Yeah, I don’t know him because I don’t live around here.”

With Mike’s ID validated we felt relieved.  One officer whispered to me that he would be waiting down the block for us to leave.  I lied and told him that I was spending the night.  The police hung around for a bit longer.  Mike’s girlfriend arrived and we all sat around and drank a few beers waiting for the coast to clear.  Mike slept on the couch.