The Music Festival Experience With 460,000 of My Closest Friends

After recently completing my sixth trip to the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival (aka Jazzfest), I thought I would relate my experiences for those of you who don’t do such ridiculous things.  It will perhaps reinforce your more sane decision to get your music the old-fashioned way, on your smartphone or car radio, as God intended.  Yes, music festivals are not for the faint of heart.  These bacchanalian assaults on human sensory perception require a particular mindset bordering on the unstable.

New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival

  

My wife Sue and I once went to an outdoor Steppenwolf concert.  We spread out our blanket, sat down and prepared for our Magic Carpet Ride.  We were surrounded by the typical rogue’s gallery of Steppenwolf aficionados, many of whom had last bathed during the Nixon administration.  I think we made it through one song before a nearby spectator, who was ardently enjoying the Skoal chaw he had tucked between his cheek and gums, decided to test his spitting accuracy.  He managed to mostly hit the grassy area near our blanket but not without some of his discharge splatting on the back of Sue’s outstretched hand.  I heard a squeal that sounded like “Hey Lawdy Mama,” turned, and saw only the back of Sue’s head as she made a beeline for the exit.  She has never expressed any desire to go to another such event.

For those of you who have attended outdoor concerts and think that you have some perception of the day’s long pursuit of music from 7 outdoor stages and 4 tents, spread over 145 acres, think again.  The New Orleans Jazzfest has some form of musical entertainment being cranked out simultaneously on11 stages and through the streets eight hours a day, for seven days, spread over two weekends.  Only the strong survive.

Festival Fairgrounds Map

In order to attend Jazzfest, you have to decide how much you want to spend on your tickets.  You can buy daily general admission tickets for $60 plus service fees or any of a vast array of premium tickets for as little as $325 to $400 per day.  These premium ducats with titles such as Brass Pass, Big Chief, and Grand Marshall, entitle the holder to wear a ribbon around their necks that tells everyone that this person is special.  At Jazzfest, these passes allow various forms of access to covered seating in the rear bleachers or standing room near the main stages.  Some passes include the best seat in the house, which is, drum roll here, a clean toilet.

Crowd View of Acura Stage

  

All tickets are “rain or shine” which translates to, “if it rains and we cancel, you lose.” Additionally, you have to pay for parking or for some form of transportation to the festival.  You will also suffer vastly inflated prices at any of the local hotels.  Actually, the Jazzfest ticket prices are quite reasonable when you consider the prices charged for just one of the many headlining acts at a separate concert.

Elton John 2015

Once you arrive at The Fair Grounds, you realize that you are standing on a famous racetrack.  Yes, horses have been standing, walking, and running on the dirt below your feet since 1872.  During this time, they have also been eating hay and pooping.  When it rains, you are immediately reminded of the pooping part.  The wonderful aroma of wet horse manure will forever hold a special place in your olfactory memory. The odoriferous assault on your senses begins.  It is here, at these fairgrounds, that Eddie Arcaro and Willie Shoemaker have ridden such steeds as Whirlaway, Black Gold, and Risen Star.  Yes, thousands of equestrian speedsters have graced this track with their partially processed oat and hay offerings for over 140 years.  Wine may get better with age but horse manure just gets more, well, horsey.  I found out at a gardening site that, "Since a horse only digests one-quarter of the grass and seeds it eats, its poop is high in weed seeds."  I believe that may account for the other occasional concert smell, burning weed.

New Orleans Racetrack May 4, 1872

Blend together all of the above and the assault on your senses takes on an Invasion of Normandy scale when you add in the various food stands spread throughout the grounds.  In New Orleans, they can fry or boil just about anything from bread dough (Beignets) to miniature lobster (crawfish.)  There are pecan brownies, coconut macaroons, oyster, duck, and chicken Po-boys, red beans and sausage, shrimp and duck pasta, creole stuffed crab, shrimp and grits, shrimp and okra gumbo, crawfish remoulade, shrimp etouffee, crawfish beignets, and catfish almandine.  These delights are being cooked, fried, and boiled to add to the atmosphere.  All of these gastronomic delicacies can be washed down with beer, wine, or soda.

Festival Eating

The plethora of food and drink offerings brings us to another sensory assault, the Port-A-Let.  The portable toilets at music festivals start out their day with reasonable functionality and then deteriorate until they reach a condition that would gag a maggot.  This progression from serviceable to fly larvae ralphing takes about twenty minutes.  At the various rows of toilets, you will find people standing in lines waiting for their turn to enter.  It is here that Einstein’s theory of relativity takes on a new meaning.  You see, time is relative to which side of the toilet door you happen to be.  Outside, time moves like a glacier before we screwed up the atmosphere.  Inside, things are moving faster than the speed of smell.  Nobody lingers in a Port-A-Let.

Portable Toilets Loaded With Political Promises

If you are a “people-watcher,” you are in for a treat at Jazzfest.  It seems that music festivals turn normal people just a little crazy and the fruitcakes just get nuttier.  Another observation at these events is that people are very friendly and polite.  My guess is that politeness is almost an imperative when you are forced into such close proximity.  You will regularly find yourself standing in front of stages packed like a New Delhi commuter train at rush hour or sitting in folding chairs that are half the measured width of Mick Jagger's ass.  In these close quarters, there is no room for rudeness.

Festival Goers Ready to Party

The declared purpose for all of your efforts to attend Jazzfest is to hear the music and see the performers.  The hearing part is done to excess in that giant speakers will allow you to hear the music even if you happen to be seated in coach on a jetliner flying overhead.  In fact, you will need earplugs if you ever want to hear your spouse again.  Read that as, earplugs optional.

Actually seeing your favorite performer requires a bit more effort.  For popular acts, you will need to arrive early and try to work your way close to the stage.  At 6’-2”, I have a slight advantage over some and I have been able to actually see many great acts.  Over the past six years, I have seen Elton John, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon, Chicago, Jerry Lee Lewis, Al Jarreau, Chaka Khan, John Fogerty, Kacey Musgraves, Lyle Lovett, Alabama Shakes, Arlo Guthrie, Alison Krauss, John Boutte, Dr. John, Pete Fountain, Keb Mo, Robert Cray, Taj Mahal, Dave Koz, The Beach Boys, Ramsey Lewis, and Fleetwood Mac.  I have also seen countless other acts, many of whom are just as talented but have not yet gotten the recognition that better luck and circumstance could have provided.

Paul Simon 2016

You have perhaps already ascertained from the list of performers above that the term JAZZ-fest is a bit of a misnomer.  While the term jazz incorporates many variations, the musical offerings at this event defy such a simple classification.  This being New Orleans you will also find music indigenous to the local culture.  In addition to jazz you will find blues, R&B, gospel, Cajun, country, bluegrass, zydeco, Afro-Caribbean, folk, rap, Latin, and rock.  I have tried each of them and, with the probable exception of rap; they all have their place here.  This year I couldn’t find a seat in the Blues Tent so I wandered over to the nearby Gospel Tent.  As you can see, I must have been very tired.  As I rested, I listened to the large gospel choir as they praised Jesus and called for the rapture.  I managed to escape just before I would have been saved.  Then came my miracle; I found a seat in the Blues Tent.

Festival Chairs Area Before the Rain

Festival Chairs Area After the Rain

My latest trip to Jazzfest was perhaps the most challenging.  I brought plenty of sunscreen but left my poncho at home.  I’ll give you one guess what happened.  We had rain of biblical proportions.  Stevie Wonder was cancelled and his piano was ruined.  Neil Young performed to an audience standing in puddles with rain coming down, electrical wires running across the ground, and the occasional lightning strike nearby.  Not having been to church in around 40 years (the Gospel Tent doesn’t count), I decided to not tempt fate.  I will have to enjoy Neil’s music the old-fashioned way, by listening to illegally downloaded MP3’s. I can only imagine that, with all of the water around the Neil Young performance, Wooden Ships and Down by the River took on a special significance.  I spent my final day of the 2016 Jazzfest hunkered down in the Blues Tent.

No article on Jazzfest would be complete without a shout-out to the Jazzfest Commanders.  The Commanders are a group of music lovers with whom I have had the pleasure of joining at Jazzfest for each of these past six years.  Rain or shine, we always have a good time.

L-R Hot Dog, Jazzman, Rainman, Maui-Falafal, Photoman, Chili Dog, and Jay Dee